Lifting the Shame of Pregnancy Loss and Fertility Issues

Pregnancy Loss, while not uncommon (approximately 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage and 15-20% end in abortion), is not a topic that many want to discuss. Whether it is a loss due to a miscarriage or an abortion, many struggle with how to respond to the grief that accompanies these difficult events. Women who have experienced a miscarriage often feel like there is an “expiration date” on their grief and that others expect them to “move on” quickly. They frequently report feeling that others do not acknowledge the relationship they had to their unborn child. And while abortion is common and is often talked about as a political issue or a social concern, it is rarely a topic shared through the personal experiences of those who have walked through the difficult process. 

There are other losses we see that are as hard to talk about. Those losses often have to do with a child who is still hoped for. These issues are hard to address, not only in public, but also with friends. It is the loss that comes with a failed fertility procedure, the adoption that ended abruptly, or the inability to conceive naturally. According to the CDC 20% of women experience fertility issues and 7.5 % of men have seen a fertility specialist. Statistics also show that between 20-30% of adoptions are not considered “successful”. These all create a sense of loss and grief that often go unspoken.  

 At Hope Clinic, we seek to lift the shame and isolation that come with the experience of a pregnancy loss or difficulty in becoming a parent. While there is no way to take away the loss, our caring counselors and staff do help men and women in processing their feelings about what happened and find ways to cope with their emotions. It may come through finding healthy remembrances of their unborn child, or developing areas of themselves outside of what is going on physically. I often tell clients: although you cannot ever leave this in the past, and you shouldn’t feel that you have to, you can find a way to take this experience forward with you in a way that is helpful and balanced. The greatest help we can give anyone struggling with these difficult situations is to point them to The One who said: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4) And who promised courage and peace in the inevitable troubles of this world. (John 6:33) This is the true Hope that we offer and the foundation of all that we do as we seek to help those who are hurting from the loss of a child or pain of waiting for a child that they don’t yet have.  

Amy Moseley is the Clinical and Outreach Director at Hope Clinic for Women. She oversees the Counseling, Pregnancy, and Prevention Programs and counsels men and women dealing with Pregnancy Loss, Relationships issues, and Postpartum Depression. 

What does it mean to respond with love?

We all want to be loved, valued and affirmed. After that, we may want many different things, but at our core we want love. Unfortunately, for so many of us, we did not see what true sacrificial love looks like in our childhood, so we grabbed onto the counterfeit. It is so clear that the love of the father has such an important role on our sons and daughters. The vast majority of men in prison had no father figure in the home. Many women who are dealing with self-esteem, body image, love addiction, etc. point back to what we flippantly refer to as ‘daddy issues’.

On social media we are reading how people define love. And in many cases it is the counterfeit kind. It is based on emotion and it is fleeting. God’s love for us was set in motion back in Genesis when He provided a way out for us after the sin of Adam and Eve. His love for us was fulfilled with Jesus’ birth, death/sacrifice on the cross, and resurrection. Love is a choice. Love is selfless. Love comes at a cost. Love has boundaries. Abuse of love has consequences. 

We need a lot more authentic love today. Love that listens with soft eyes. Love that allows honest sharing, but allows for healthy disagreement. Love that is displayed far more than it is spoken. This kind of love begins with how we treat our own families. How parents treat their children and how they teach them to treat others, including those in authority, shows them what authentic love means.

Love is not defined nor exemplified on social media. It is done day-to-day out in the real world. It is messy. We are all flawed and we will make mistakes. But we must invest in one another in real and tangible ways if we ever hope to model the authentic love our Father showed us through the gift and sacrifice of His Son. That is the love that will cross the great divide happening all around us. That is the love that really does win.

Hope Clinic for Women has a wonderful training for parents that can take place in a 4-week group session or alone with our male counselor on staff. He also provides excellent couples and family counseling. If you are interested in rediscovering healthy love and healthy relationships for you and your family, please contact us at 321.0005 or www.hopeclinicforwomen.org.

Renée Rizzo, CEO of Hope Clinic for Women

We all make mistakes, so what then…

In my work every day here at Hope Clinic for Women, I get to see women who are facing mistakes: their own mistakes, mistakes a partner made, mistakes in judgment … the list goes on and on. One thing I’ve seen first-hand, is the power that lies in our reaction to mistakes. It is rarely the mistake that hurts us, as much as it is our reaction to it.

The world is flawed, people betray us, we make mistakes – we hurt; but in all the pain, we carry something beautiful and powerful deep inside us – our ability to choose to focus not on the why, but the how. How do we deal with the situations we find ourselves in? We can choose to love, to heal, to believe and to embrace at those dark moments; and I’ve seen over and over again how transformative and empowering that response is.

By facing the mistake we’ve made, the dream we’ve lost, the fear of never loving again, the pain of betrayal and choosing to find hope, to find a way – we shine brightest. It is ironic in many ways, that in the midst of the worst things we can imagine, we can truly see who we are and that truth sets us ablaze. We don’t need to be afraid of facing ourselves. God knew what He was doing when He created us. Even at our worst, we are beautiful – we are God’s creation.

I try to remind myself and the women I see of this daily. You may feel this darkness is overwhelming, you may feel like a mistake will define your life; but right there in the midst of that darkness, the light is shining, you have only to embrace it. The truth is we are all God’s creations – His children first and foremost – THAT is who God says we are, and what an amazing and beautiful fact this is. The truth is always healing, no matter how dark it may feel. It always comes back to a choice: we get to choose to see what we feel, to see where we are and what we’ve done; or we can choose to see who we are. If knowing the truth sets us free, knowing ourselves and who we really are – loved, unique and deliberate creations of God -- must be one of the most freeing, beautiful experiences in life, especially in the midst of darkness. St Catherine of Siena says it best:

“Be who God meant you to be, and you will set the world on fire.”

Cheryl Seefeldt, Medical Program Director, has been with Hope Clinic for Women for three and a half years. She provides medical care for women prior to, during and after pregnancy through annual exams, STD checking and prenatal care.

Reaction to Article from USA Today

Reaction to recent article in USA Today about the overall decline in abortions
by Renee Rizzo, President/CEO of Hope Clinic for Women

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/health/medical/womenshealth/story/2011/05/Abortion-rates-decline-overall-but-increase-in-poor/47506252/1

Hope Clinic tries to stay away from political polarization. This allows us to be a safe place for all women in an unplanned pregnancy….regardless of where they stand on the issue morally, religiously or politically…. Because after years of experience I am learning stands can fall to the wayside, when it is YOU that the unplanned pregnancy is happening to. So please know that my response to this issue is not to create controversy but share facts, thoughts and how we at HOPE CLINIC FOR WOMEN are trying to meet the needs of the many women, men and families impacted in an unplanned pregnancy.

First this article shows that at least as of 2008, abortion rates were declining overall. In 1992, it was estimated that nearly 43% of all women would have an abortion by the end of their childbearing years. In 2008 that is projected down to 33%. And more Americans want more restrictions on abortion and a growing number of Americans wanted all or most abortions illegal. The Gallup poll states that “61% now would prefer abortion to only be legal in a few circumstances”.

Who IS choosing abortion?

Predominantly poor women (uninsured, underinsured). In fact up 18% with the general population at a decline of 8%.

Someone was quoted as saying it was because these women don’t have access to birth control. Honestly I just don’t buy that answer completely. Based on the 3,000 plus women who have walked through our doors in the last years, we learn they simply choose NOT to make birth control a priority and don’t use it consistently. (As they are carrying their smartphone in one hand and Starbucks in the other). Last time I checked they are still at every drug store on the corner. And if cost were the issue…how is it that they can’t afford birth control at less than $25 a month but can afford an abortion at over $500. It doesn’t add up.

I DO empathize with this population. They need to be better educated about the real risks of pregnancy and stds with sex. They do need access to medical care for both std testing and paps..and a chance to talk to a real doctor on a regular basis. And they need a chance to talk to a counselor if they want to change their risky behavior but don’t have the tools. I am grateful that at Hope Clinic we provide this information for free and provide medical std/pap testing for $20 and never let inability to pay stop a client from receiving our care.

Women in their 20s (predominantly 20-24); accounting for more than ½ of all abortions (in fact teen pregnancy is actually on the decline.

Regardless of what Teen Mom and 16 & Pregnant and The Secret Life of the American Teenager….not everyone in high school is having sex and they are not our biggest risk population. Typically 75% of all teen pregnancies are 18 and 19 year olds. In fact there are more women over 30 having an abortion that those under 20.

While the abortion rate for Black women have decreased (by 18%) they are still more likely to have an abortion compared to Caucasian women. On the rise? Abortion among Hispanic women.

We are grateful that at Hope Clinic we see women of all races and have made incredible strides to have bilingual volunteers to help bridge the gap with this much underserved population.

Interestingly abortion is common among women who already have 1 child. I am sure a lot of that may reflect on how hard it is both mentally and economically to be a single parent. That is why I am grateful at Hope Clinic we offer our BRIDGE program for free for pregnant women and new moms…a chance to take classes, get professional counseling, gain needed life skills, have access to a mentor…in exchange for material assistance.

Here is the hard fact: most women who had an abortion said they have a religious affiliation (with 15% ‘born again’).

We know at Hope Clinic, women feel they have no other choice. The pressures, the fears, the shame, the guilt…all ring louder than the truth that there is hope, there is help, there is healing, and there is Hope Clinic for Women. (and places like us all across the country).

But I cannot end this blog without being thankful that we have been offering Pregnancy Loss counseling (past abortions, stillbirth and miscarriage) for over 20 years. We know how hard and long that decision can weigh on a woman. We want to be that safe place for her to process it …the best way for her.