Are we helping the Fathers or making it harder for them?
I have wanted to write this blog for a couple of weeks but frankly chickened out because I know this is a controversial topic. It started when I read on Yahoo about the man in Arizona who put up a billboard of himself holding an outline of a 2 month old and it said something like: “This is how old my baby would be if my ex-girlfriend did not abort my child”.
OK, first. Do I think the billboard is tacky and hurtful?... You bet!
But it raises an issue I have come to think about more and more as I work at Hope Clinic…
What are the father’s rights?
It is really hard for us to say more men need to ‘stand up and be a proper dad’ or force them to pay child support when they have no rights to the child prior to the birth. Most abortions occur when there is already a heartbeat. You can debate whether or not it is a viable life.
You can also debate whether you think ‘because the fetus is in her body, it is in fact ‘her body- her choice’.
I don’t know... I guess this all is just not sitting well with me as we are trying to get more and more men into Hope Clinic to be part of the decision. How can we want him to take part of the responsibility and part of the parenting if we only want him to have rights AFTER the woman has already done the deciding for the both of them? I know I know. Hear me out first.
I was flipping the channels and saw on both Sex and the City and another show (the name escaping me right now) about whether or not a girl even has to tell her boyfriend (or the guy she had sex with) if she is pregnant. The women were split in their opinions, but the men in the show were all of the belief they deserved to know and be a part of the decision. They were mostly frustrated that it is possible that they wouldn’t be told something so important. It may not be a life to her, but it may be to him. She may not want to raise the child but he may want to. I know we could say then he should get to vote ‘for abortion’….I guess, I wish that in a split decision we would err on the side of life. Couldn’t she go through with the pregnancy and terminate her rights if he wanted the child?
Again, I am not saying there is a simple answer… There’s not. I know fear and shame and confusion cause women to make this decision; sometimes without the guy’s knowledge. I am not condemning them. I am just sad about it. I am sad for her that she felt like she couldn’t tell him. Sad for him that he never knew and never had a voice for what may have also been his only child too. I’m just raising the question…
But I am also thankful that at Hope Clinic we are creating an environment that does allow for open, honest, yet hard discussions between the girl AND the father of the baby. We provide one on one and couples counseling for both of them. No matter what they decide, we want them BOTH to know they are not alone and that we can help them. That’s why our tagline reads: “A Safe Place for Tough Choices”.
Established in 1983, Hope Clinic for Women equips women, men and families to make healthy choices with unplanned pregnancies, prevention, pregnancy loss and postpartum depression.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Give them Love AND Justice?!?
Give them Love AND Justice?!
Earl Burns
When I was a kid, the biggest perk to living in a new middle-lower class neighborhood was the fact that it was developed smack dab in the middle of hilly Tennessee farmland with nothing around us really but woods to explore, rusty barbed-wire fences to cross, and old barns to get in to trouble in!
Most of us can remember at least one time in particular where we got in trouble for doing something we shouldn’t have been doing (I won’t be sharing all of mine). For some reason, I seem to remember a lot of those, but one particular memory seems to stick out…
Our neighbor across the street had a 1962 Chevy Pickup that had no doubt been rescued from some friend’s front yard (with cinder blocks in place of rubber tires if you catch my drift). Every Saturday our neighbor would get up at the crack of dawn to work on that truck. I remember several times the engine catching on fire in the process! Aside from replacing the cinder blocks with real Goodyear white-walls, the one thing he did seem to get right was the paint job. That truck was his pride and joy!
One Saturday afternoon (age 10), while testing the strength of a used bow I bought from a friend, I decided it would be great to see how deep I could get the returning arrow to sink into the dirt after shooting it straight up. Having a brother who was a great spotter helped with my intentions of having a perfect trajectory, but (as we all miss details from time to time), I did NOT account for wind-sheer! For the few seconds of flight while we stood in our back yard, I actually thought this was going to be the perfect shot until a loud THUD came from across the street. The thud was a result of a solid steel arrow-head piercing the nice shiny hood of that black ’62 Chevy!
My dad was NOT happy, but not quite as unhappy as the neighbor seemed! After running from my neighbor’s house to avoid apparent bodily injury, I was soon confronted by my Dad. I knew I was in trouble! As much as I hated having to tell my dad about something I did that was wrong, the part I always looked forward to was getting it over with. My dad told me I would have to go apologize (and retrieve the arrow still lodged in the hood) and then offer to pay for the repairs.
What I remember most is turning around to face my house after apologizing to my neighbor and seeing the curtain in our picture window jump back into place from where my Dad had been peeking to check on me. When I got home, he hugged me and then explained to me, as he always did, how important it was to take responsibility for the things we do that are wrong and then to do what we can to make them right. I will never forget that lesson, partly because of the content, but mostly because of the consistency with which he taught me… and still does to this day! What drove that point home is that I saw him do the same thing when he was faced with difficult scenarios and was called to account for his own mistakes and shortcomings.
We all, at our deepest core, know that making choices that are unwise in nature require some sort of justice. For example; a company charges us for something they did not do, we expect to get a credit on the invoice and if it happens consistently, we may even resort to reported them to the Federal Trade Commission or the Better Business Bureau. We do the same thing with our children.
Now that I am a father, and have been for over 10 years now, I have learned how important it is to teach my son to take responsibility for his actions when he does something wrong by not only using my words, but also my actions. Tacked onto this concept however is the importance of combining that discipline with LOVE! I have to work at this DAILY and fail regularly!!
We, as humans, seem to have this innate ability to default to one extreme or the other. We are either ALL JUSTICE, or ALL LOVE. It is difficult for us, in our finite minds, to comprehend the importance of being BOTH. Without love, justice becomes nothing more than punishment without rehabilitation, and the negative behavior will continue. Without justice, love is cheapened and becomes a response that is interpreted by the child as “I guess they don’t really care” – and so the behavior continues without any change.
The best way for us to instill a solid, life-changing motivation in the hearts of our children is to help them understand the need for justice, while proclaiming to them that we love them. This balance must be maintained and does not, unfortunately, exist without regular repair and enforcement.
The BIGGEST hurdle for parents that I mentor today is their struggle, or unwillingness, to grasp the importance of helping their children to recognize the JUSTICE required as a result of unwise choices, while proclaiming their unchanged LOVE for their child. Too often, as parents, we stop after discussing the consequences! Consequences are unavoidable and natural and do not always have to be explained, but unconditional LOVE is something that is rare to stumble on these days… and you can’t take that chance with your kids! TELL THEM THAT YOU LOVE THEM AND THAT YOUR LOVE FOR THEM WILL NEVER GO AWAY – despite unwise choices.
It may not be an arrow accidentally shot into the hood of your neighbor’s favorite past-time, but either way, your kids should know that you disagree with a particular behavior and why, and then, in the same breath, they should be told that your LOVE for them will never change as a result of negative behavior! How would you be different today if you had experienced this in your childhood?
This Father’s Day weekend share with us an example of how your father, or you as a father, have demonstrated justice with love. Happy Father’s Day Dads!!!
Earl Burns has over 20 years of mentoring experience to teens and individuals and oversees our programs that cater specifically to the male partners and parents of Hope Clinic’s clients. He started as a volunteer at Hope Clinic and now also leads the prevention program as well as manages relationships with our other Agency partners. You can email Earl at: eburns@hopeclinicforwomen.org
Earl Burns
When I was a kid, the biggest perk to living in a new middle-lower class neighborhood was the fact that it was developed smack dab in the middle of hilly Tennessee farmland with nothing around us really but woods to explore, rusty barbed-wire fences to cross, and old barns to get in to trouble in!
Most of us can remember at least one time in particular where we got in trouble for doing something we shouldn’t have been doing (I won’t be sharing all of mine). For some reason, I seem to remember a lot of those, but one particular memory seems to stick out…
Our neighbor across the street had a 1962 Chevy Pickup that had no doubt been rescued from some friend’s front yard (with cinder blocks in place of rubber tires if you catch my drift). Every Saturday our neighbor would get up at the crack of dawn to work on that truck. I remember several times the engine catching on fire in the process! Aside from replacing the cinder blocks with real Goodyear white-walls, the one thing he did seem to get right was the paint job. That truck was his pride and joy!
One Saturday afternoon (age 10), while testing the strength of a used bow I bought from a friend, I decided it would be great to see how deep I could get the returning arrow to sink into the dirt after shooting it straight up. Having a brother who was a great spotter helped with my intentions of having a perfect trajectory, but (as we all miss details from time to time), I did NOT account for wind-sheer! For the few seconds of flight while we stood in our back yard, I actually thought this was going to be the perfect shot until a loud THUD came from across the street. The thud was a result of a solid steel arrow-head piercing the nice shiny hood of that black ’62 Chevy!
My dad was NOT happy, but not quite as unhappy as the neighbor seemed! After running from my neighbor’s house to avoid apparent bodily injury, I was soon confronted by my Dad. I knew I was in trouble! As much as I hated having to tell my dad about something I did that was wrong, the part I always looked forward to was getting it over with. My dad told me I would have to go apologize (and retrieve the arrow still lodged in the hood) and then offer to pay for the repairs.
What I remember most is turning around to face my house after apologizing to my neighbor and seeing the curtain in our picture window jump back into place from where my Dad had been peeking to check on me. When I got home, he hugged me and then explained to me, as he always did, how important it was to take responsibility for the things we do that are wrong and then to do what we can to make them right. I will never forget that lesson, partly because of the content, but mostly because of the consistency with which he taught me… and still does to this day! What drove that point home is that I saw him do the same thing when he was faced with difficult scenarios and was called to account for his own mistakes and shortcomings.
We all, at our deepest core, know that making choices that are unwise in nature require some sort of justice. For example; a company charges us for something they did not do, we expect to get a credit on the invoice and if it happens consistently, we may even resort to reported them to the Federal Trade Commission or the Better Business Bureau. We do the same thing with our children.
Now that I am a father, and have been for over 10 years now, I have learned how important it is to teach my son to take responsibility for his actions when he does something wrong by not only using my words, but also my actions. Tacked onto this concept however is the importance of combining that discipline with LOVE! I have to work at this DAILY and fail regularly!!
We, as humans, seem to have this innate ability to default to one extreme or the other. We are either ALL JUSTICE, or ALL LOVE. It is difficult for us, in our finite minds, to comprehend the importance of being BOTH. Without love, justice becomes nothing more than punishment without rehabilitation, and the negative behavior will continue. Without justice, love is cheapened and becomes a response that is interpreted by the child as “I guess they don’t really care” – and so the behavior continues without any change.
The best way for us to instill a solid, life-changing motivation in the hearts of our children is to help them understand the need for justice, while proclaiming to them that we love them. This balance must be maintained and does not, unfortunately, exist without regular repair and enforcement.
The BIGGEST hurdle for parents that I mentor today is their struggle, or unwillingness, to grasp the importance of helping their children to recognize the JUSTICE required as a result of unwise choices, while proclaiming their unchanged LOVE for their child. Too often, as parents, we stop after discussing the consequences! Consequences are unavoidable and natural and do not always have to be explained, but unconditional LOVE is something that is rare to stumble on these days… and you can’t take that chance with your kids! TELL THEM THAT YOU LOVE THEM AND THAT YOUR LOVE FOR THEM WILL NEVER GO AWAY – despite unwise choices.
It may not be an arrow accidentally shot into the hood of your neighbor’s favorite past-time, but either way, your kids should know that you disagree with a particular behavior and why, and then, in the same breath, they should be told that your LOVE for them will never change as a result of negative behavior! How would you be different today if you had experienced this in your childhood?
This Father’s Day weekend share with us an example of how your father, or you as a father, have demonstrated justice with love. Happy Father’s Day Dads!!!
Earl Burns has over 20 years of mentoring experience to teens and individuals and oversees our programs that cater specifically to the male partners and parents of Hope Clinic’s clients. He started as a volunteer at Hope Clinic and now also leads the prevention program as well as manages relationships with our other Agency partners. You can email Earl at: eburns@hopeclinicforwomen.org
Friday, June 3, 2011
Reaction to Article from USA Today
Reaction to recent article in USA Today about the overall decline in abortions
by Renee Rizzo, President/CEO of Hope Clinic for Women
http://yourlife.usatoday.com/health/medical/womenshealth/story/2011/05/Abortion-rates-decline-overall-but-increase-in-poor/47506252/1
Hope Clinic tries to stay away from political polarization. This allows us to be a safe place for all women in an unplanned pregnancy….regardless of where they stand on the issue morally, religiously or politically…. Because after years of experience I am learning stands can fall to the wayside, when it is YOU that the unplanned pregnancy is happening to. So please know that my response to this issue is not to create controversy but share facts, thoughts and how we at HOPE CLINIC FOR WOMEN are trying to meet the needs of the many women, men and families impacted in an unplanned pregnancy.
First this article shows that at least as of 2008, abortion rates were declining overall. In 1992, it was estimated that nearly 43% of all women would have an abortion by the end of their childbearing years. In 2008 that is projected down to 33%. And more Americans want more restrictions on abortion and a growing number of Americans wanted all or most abortions illegal. The Gallup poll states that “61% now would prefer abortion to only be legal in a few circumstances”.
Who IS choosing abortion?
Predominantly poor women (uninsured, underinsured). In fact up 18% with the general population at a decline of 8%.
Someone was quoted as saying it was because these women don’t have access to birth control. Honestly I just don’t buy that answer completely. Based on the 3,000 plus women who have walked through our doors in the last years, we learn they simply choose NOT to make birth control a priority and don’t use it consistently. (As they are carrying their smartphone in one hand and Starbucks in the other). Last time I checked they are still at every drug store on the corner. And if cost were the issue…how is it that they can’t afford birth control at less than $25 a month but can afford an abortion at over $500. It doesn’t add up.
I DO empathize with this population. They need to be better educated about the real risks of pregnancy and stds with sex. They do need access to medical care for both std testing and paps..and a chance to talk to a real doctor on a regular basis. And they need a chance to talk to a counselor if they want to change their risky behavior but don’t have the tools. I am grateful that at Hope Clinic we provide this information for free and provide medical std/pap testing for $20 and never let inability to pay stop a client from receiving our care.
Women in their 20s (predominantly 20-24); accounting for more than ½ of all abortions (in fact teen pregnancy is actually on the decline.
Regardless of what Teen Mom and 16 & Pregnant and The Secret Life of the American Teenager….not everyone in high school is having sex and they are not our biggest risk population. Typically 75% of all teen pregnancies are 18 and 19 year olds. In fact there are more women over 30 having an abortion that those under 20.
While the abortion rate for Black women have decreased (by 18%) they are still more likely to have an abortion compared to Caucasian women. On the rise? Abortion among Hispanic women.
We are grateful that at Hope Clinic we see women of all races and have made incredible strides to have bilingual volunteers to help bridge the gap with this much underserved population.
Interestingly abortion is common among women who already have 1 child. I am sure a lot of that may reflect on how hard it is both mentally and economically to be a single parent. That is why I am grateful at Hope Clinic we offer our BRIDGE program for free for pregnant women and new moms…a chance to take classes, get professional counseling, gain needed life skills, have access to a mentor…in exchange for material assistance.
Here is the hard fact: most women who had an abortion said they have a religious affiliation (with 15% ‘born again’).
We know at Hope Clinic, women feel they have no other choice. The pressures, the fears, the shame, the guilt…all ring louder than the truth that there is hope, there is help, there is healing, and there is Hope Clinic for Women. (and places like us all across the country).
But I cannot end this blog without being thankful that we have been offering Pregnancy Loss counseling (past abortions, stillbirth and miscarriage) for over 20 years. We know how hard and long that decision can weigh on a woman. We want to be that safe place for her to process it …the best way for her.
by Renee Rizzo, President/CEO of Hope Clinic for Women
http://yourlife.usatoday.com/health/medical/womenshealth/story/2011/05/Abortion-rates-decline-overall-but-increase-in-poor/47506252/1
Hope Clinic tries to stay away from political polarization. This allows us to be a safe place for all women in an unplanned pregnancy….regardless of where they stand on the issue morally, religiously or politically…. Because after years of experience I am learning stands can fall to the wayside, when it is YOU that the unplanned pregnancy is happening to. So please know that my response to this issue is not to create controversy but share facts, thoughts and how we at HOPE CLINIC FOR WOMEN are trying to meet the needs of the many women, men and families impacted in an unplanned pregnancy.
First this article shows that at least as of 2008, abortion rates were declining overall. In 1992, it was estimated that nearly 43% of all women would have an abortion by the end of their childbearing years. In 2008 that is projected down to 33%. And more Americans want more restrictions on abortion and a growing number of Americans wanted all or most abortions illegal. The Gallup poll states that “61% now would prefer abortion to only be legal in a few circumstances”.
Who IS choosing abortion?
Predominantly poor women (uninsured, underinsured). In fact up 18% with the general population at a decline of 8%.
Someone was quoted as saying it was because these women don’t have access to birth control. Honestly I just don’t buy that answer completely. Based on the 3,000 plus women who have walked through our doors in the last years, we learn they simply choose NOT to make birth control a priority and don’t use it consistently. (As they are carrying their smartphone in one hand and Starbucks in the other). Last time I checked they are still at every drug store on the corner. And if cost were the issue…how is it that they can’t afford birth control at less than $25 a month but can afford an abortion at over $500. It doesn’t add up.
I DO empathize with this population. They need to be better educated about the real risks of pregnancy and stds with sex. They do need access to medical care for both std testing and paps..and a chance to talk to a real doctor on a regular basis. And they need a chance to talk to a counselor if they want to change their risky behavior but don’t have the tools. I am grateful that at Hope Clinic we provide this information for free and provide medical std/pap testing for $20 and never let inability to pay stop a client from receiving our care.
Women in their 20s (predominantly 20-24); accounting for more than ½ of all abortions (in fact teen pregnancy is actually on the decline.
Regardless of what Teen Mom and 16 & Pregnant and The Secret Life of the American Teenager….not everyone in high school is having sex and they are not our biggest risk population. Typically 75% of all teen pregnancies are 18 and 19 year olds. In fact there are more women over 30 having an abortion that those under 20.
While the abortion rate for Black women have decreased (by 18%) they are still more likely to have an abortion compared to Caucasian women. On the rise? Abortion among Hispanic women.
We are grateful that at Hope Clinic we see women of all races and have made incredible strides to have bilingual volunteers to help bridge the gap with this much underserved population.
Interestingly abortion is common among women who already have 1 child. I am sure a lot of that may reflect on how hard it is both mentally and economically to be a single parent. That is why I am grateful at Hope Clinic we offer our BRIDGE program for free for pregnant women and new moms…a chance to take classes, get professional counseling, gain needed life skills, have access to a mentor…in exchange for material assistance.
Here is the hard fact: most women who had an abortion said they have a religious affiliation (with 15% ‘born again’).
We know at Hope Clinic, women feel they have no other choice. The pressures, the fears, the shame, the guilt…all ring louder than the truth that there is hope, there is help, there is healing, and there is Hope Clinic for Women. (and places like us all across the country).
But I cannot end this blog without being thankful that we have been offering Pregnancy Loss counseling (past abortions, stillbirth and miscarriage) for over 20 years. We know how hard and long that decision can weigh on a woman. We want to be that safe place for her to process it …the best way for her.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)