10 Healthy Ways to Keep Your Marriage/Relationship Moving Forward

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching I am always asked by couples, “How do you keep your marriage/relationship moving in the right direction?”  These are some simple truths I have found that work very well.  I even have to look at these often just to keep my relationship positive.

1. Successful relationships take work.  They don’t happen in a vacuum.  They occur when the couples in them take the risk of sharing what it is that’s going on in their hearts and heads.
2. You can only change yourself, not your partner.  If you love someone and think that after a while he/she will alter his/her behaviors you find uncomfortable, think again.  If you want changes, put them out there for your partner to see so your partner knows what you need.
3. All arguments stem from our own fear or pain.  When upset occurs, check out what’s going on inside of you rather than get angry with your partner.  The truth is that we usually aren’t upset for the reasons we think.
4. Understand that men and women are very different.  We’re not from Mars or Venus; we’re not even in the same solar system.  Understanding and celebrating our differences will make living together more peaceful, interesting, and fun.
5. Honor each other in some way every day.  Every morning you have the opportunity to make your relationship sweeter and deeper by recommitting to your mate.  Feeling respected and cherished by the one you love makes life much nicer.
6. Anger is a waste of time.  It’s a relationship killer, because it makes you self-absorbed and won’t allow you to see the good. Give yourself some time to calm down and then gently discuss what’s going on with you.
7. Get regular tune-ups.  Go to a couple’s workshop, talk with a therapist, or read a relationship book together at least once a year.  You will pick up ideas, and the process alone will strengthen your connection.
8. Find a way to become and stay best friends.  For some this sounds unromantic, but for those who live it, most say it’s the best part of their time together.
9. Be responsible for your own happiness.  No other person can make you happy; it’s something you have to do on your own.  Look within to find out what piece may be missing for you.
10. Give what you want to get.  Our needs change with time.  If you’d like to feel understood, try being more understanding.  If you want to feel more love, try giving more.  It’s a simple program that really works.  

Most of all, enjoy being with one another.  Love is a gift from God!!

Terry Cheatham is the Male and Parent Counselor at Hope Clinic. He also facilitates Marriage workshops for Marriage Helper as well as counsels couples who attend.

Mentor Spotlight - Cindi Parten

Since January was National Mentoring Month, we sat down with Cindi, who has been volunteering at Hope Clinic for over 20 years. She and others like her are the reason most of our clients say they were treated with respect, would return for further services, commit to making healthier life choices, and would recommend Hope Clinic to a friend.

HC: How long have you been a mentor to our clients?

Cindi: The exact date of my beginning as a volunteer at Hope Clinic is not a clear memory, but I do know that it was something I decided to do when my youngest child, my daughter Emily, was just over a year old. She is now 21, so it's been approximately 20 years. It was an ad in my church bulletin which prompted me to make the call to volunteer, after having been encouraged by someone already involved with Hope Clinic ( at the time it was Crisis Pregnancy Support Center ). I was trained in a two week evening class by Lucy Freed, the founding director, and Carolyn Hubbard, my first supervisor, who still remains in my heart as one of the most special people I've ever met.

HC: What keeps you coming back to Hope Clinic?

Cindi: Speaking of the most special people I've ever met, the folks I interact with while volunteering with Hope Clinic, staff and volunteers are great people to be around. It's a given that they're loving, caring people because they are there!  It's always very comfortable to share my faith in their company and to ask for prayers in times of special need, and to feel the power of their prayers at those times as well.  In my experience, this type of atmosphere is not often found in other workplaces. The work I do at Hope Clinic is something I believe is a really good fit for me. I'm really good at listening, I feel compassion for the clients in their often difficult situations, drawing on the difficulties I've experienced in my own life, and I really tend to genuinely LIKE most of the clients I've seen over these last 20 years, which makes it so easy for me to love them in the way I think God would have me love them for Him. Volunteering with Hope Clinic also gives me an outlet in a much more social way than much of the work I do on a regular basis.

HC: What would you say to someone who is considering being a mentor to our clients?

Cindi: If someone is considering becoming a mentor, I would say if you don't have difficulty with listening to other people's problems, and can listen without judging them, and don't mind too much sometimes not knowing whether your efforts have made a clear impact or have just planted a seed which may blossom later, and are comfortable with being there for them for up to two years, AND knowing that the gifts which the clients are given ultimately come from God, then you should jump on it!

HC: What have you learned about yourself through mentoring?

Cindi: In volunteering with Hope Clinic I've learned that what I think and do as a mentor is not nearly so important as my relationship with God. The stronger that relationship is, the more the clients appear to be benefitted. I have learned that as much as some situations frightened me in the beginning, that ultimately trusting God to do His work is where peace is found. I have learned that we are all human beings and that all any of us really wants is to be loved, and that it is my place to try to show God's love to our clients. There is so much more I could say about Hope Clinic and its meaning in my life, but I will just say that I am privileged to be a small part of such a wonderful and effective organization.

Omega 3's and preventing Postpartum Depression

Research has shown that omega 3’s are imperative for healthy brain development in babies in utero. If the mom is not taking in extra Omega 3’s during pregnancy than she herself can become depleted. Low omega 3 levels have been linked to symptoms of depression. Research has also been successful in showing that women who consumed at least 200 mg of fish oil per day while pregnant had less risk of developing postpartum depression. I have treated depression naturally with patients for the past 6 years and fish oil is always a must. I have seen marked improvement in the depression symptoms reported by patients when they are taking 500-1000mg or more of fish oil/day. So, if it is imperative for baby’s healthy brain development, and it could prevent postpartum depression, I believe every pregnant woman should be taking omega 3’s. You can also consume Omega 3’s in natural forms such as fish like salmon, sardines, and swordfish. Since mercury levels can be an issue in pregnancy with certain fish sources, I often recommend taking a high quality omega 3 supplement and eating chia and flax seeds.

Some other things to consider if you are dealing with postpartum depression, or have in the past and would like to prevent it, are blood sugar levels.  Eat frequent, small, low sugar, high fiber snacks and meals. Exercise at least 20 minutes of aerobic activity at least 3 times a week. Nap with the baby and rest when you can, and if you are still struggling with fatigue and sluggishness, get your thyroid levels checked. Happy mama, happy baby!

http://healthland.time.com/2011/04/12/study-fish-oil-may-prevent-symptoms-of-postpartum-depression/

Karen Hyden, WHNP-BC, MSN, MEd is the Medical Director and Nurse Practitioner at Hope Clinic for Women. She believes in educating and motivating clients in making healthy lifestyle changes and collaborating with the counseling and mentoring staff in order to produce the best possible outcomes for patients.

What are your Intentions for 2015?

I have a friend who decided that creating New Year's Resolutions simply sets us up for failure. It doesn’t allow for mistakes or grace, so she decided to make some New Year’s Intentions. I really liked that. While some may say it is not a strong enough word, intentions allow someone the chance to mess up and come back the next day not filled with shame and guilt. Recently I attended a Brene Brown-Daring Way conference and was reminded how much shame could paralyze us. I think we have enough shame to go around, don’t you? Let’s maybe have some good intentions this year instead.

When we shared intentions at our staff meeting, it was clear many of us desired not more clients, more money or more volunteers, but more meaningful interactions with those we come across. There seemed to be a universal desire to be more connected and more ‘authentically present’ in other peoples’ lives. We are all feeling a sense of being rushed and a longing to slow down. We want to matter and we want others to know they matter. While it is OK to want to get healthy, lose weight, go back to church, join a bible study, or other similar goal, we are beginning to sense the urgent need to enjoy the journey and not focus so much on the destination. 

For me,  the biggest takeaway  from the conference was the concept of being kind to myself (sometimes called self-compassion). If I cannot be kind to myself, I cannot be kind to someone else. It starts by really listening to the way I speak to myself. Is that how I would talk to a friend? It is about checking in with my body. Do I need rest? Food? A walk around the building? Laughter? Fun? Quiet time with God? If I don’t know what I need, how can I best meet the needs of others? I know some of you reading this may think this sounds selfish, but I am speaking to the person who is burning the candle at both ends, or the person who gives and gives and gives. The person who is flat out exhausted, angry, hurt, sad, and dissatisfied. I encourage that person to take a personal inventory of how well you are taking care of yourself. I promise, the more you are kind to yourself, the more capacity you have to be kind to others, not less. So while you are considering (or already reconsidering) your intentions for 2015, I pray it includes ‘being kind to myself’. 

#ScriptureSunday Ephesians 4:17-32

Living as Children of Light

So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more. You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

#ScriptureSunday Isaiah 9:2-7

The people who walked in darkness
Have seen a great light;
Those who dwelt in the land of the shadow of death,
Upon them a light has shined.

 You have multiplied the nation
And increased its joy;
They rejoice before You
According to the joy of harvest,
As men rejoice when they divide the spoil.
 For You have broken the yoke of his burden
And the staff of his shoulder,
The rod of his oppressor,
As in the day of Midian.
 For every warrior’s sandal from the noisy battle,
And garments rolled in blood,
Will be used for burning and fuel of fire.

 For unto us a Child is born,
Unto us a Son is given;
And the government will be upon His shoulder.
And His name will be called
Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
 Of the increase of His government and peace
There will be no end,
Upon the throne of David and over His kingdom,
To order it and establish it with judgment and justice
From that time forward, even forever.
The zeal of the Lord of hosts will perform this.

When a Pregnancy is Unplanned

When thinking about Christmas, you can't help but think of the most unplanned pregnancy of all. Mary and Joseph probably felt a lot of the same emotions that our clients feel as they walk in our doors. Until you work directly in the industry, you may have a lot of preconceived opinions about the topic of unplanned pregnancies and questions about those who find themselves in that position. How often does it happen? Are they all young teenagers? Is it only one ethnic group? Only rural areas?  Lower income? Churched or unchurched?  Hopefully, this will shed some light on the topic.

Over 50% of all pregnancies in the United States are unplanned. That is larger than any peer country.  The most common ages are 18-24. In fact, 75% of all teen pregnancies are 18 and 19 year olds. She is equally churched and unchurched. She crosses all socio-economic backgrounds.  In fact, by the time women end their child- bearing years, one in three women will also have an abortion (as reported by the CDC).  Unplanned pregnancies do not discriminate and can happen in any home from the most broken of homes to the most well-adjusted and fully intact homes. 

Why is it happening so much you might wonder? We know young people are physically maturing more quickly, but emotionally maturing less quickly so their bodies and ‘sexual urges’ are moving faster than their brains are able to make good decisions. Less people are married these days at an age when sexual activity typically begins. More people are getting divorced. Sexual activity outside of committed relationships is more commonly accepted.  And in the age of texting, twitter and other forms of social media, we are raising a generation who is more prone to sexual activity, but not equipped to have authentic relationships with good communications skills that would lead to good decision making. 

Is there hope? Yes! The country may be divided down the line about abortion, but I think most of us agree we first need to prevent more unplanned pregnancies. We also need to step in and help the women and men facing an unplanned pregnancy with a clear plan that not only gets them through their immediate crisis, but sets them up for success for their future. 

At Hope Clinic for Women our prevention material is called Beyond Abstinence. We try to address matters of the heart and the head first knowing that focusing on just sexual activity is not as successful. We have a four-week presentation model that works best when the boys/girls are split up for most of it, and it is taught in small groups where dialogue is possible. We have a track just for parents that has been an eye-opening experience for them. We also provide professional counseling for women and men who are struggling in this area dealing with childhood trauma, sexual abuse, pornography and other issues impeding their chance for success.

We also have the most amazing and thorough program for women and men in unplanned pregnancies. We provide medical help, practical education classes, spiritual mentorship, professional counseling (for her, her partner, the couple, and the family). Along with participation in our program, they receive practical support for them and their children (clothes, diapers, wipes, car seats, strollers, etc.). In a recent article online, 50% of pro-choice women said they had their abortion because they had no support system. Hope Clinic can be that support system. If you or anyone you know needs help in an unplanned pregnancy or would like to discuss how we can bring our prevention program to your church, school, or community, please contact us at 615.321.0005 or visit us at www.hopeclinicforwomen.org.