You cannot help but notice that Valentine’s Day is upon
us. A quick errand at any grocery store or
pharmacy quickly reminds you with all the pink, red, heart-shaped candy, and
teddy bears that February 14th is coming. Some of you love this holiday; others dread
it and sarcastically call it “Single Awareness Day.” Regardless, if you are married or dating
someone, you are in a relationship.
Actually you are in many relationships (parent/ child, sibling(s), coworkers,
friends, church family, etc.). At Hope
Clinic, we hope you choose and maintain healthy relationships.
You do not get into a relationship hoping it will be
unhealthy, but you may not be intentional enough to work for a healthy
relationship. Healthy relationships
rarely happen without having certain goals and mutually agreed upon standards
for the relationship. Healthy
relationships need people with healthy identities, who want certain
characteristics of their relationship, and who will agree upon and maintain
boundaries.
Healthy vs Unhealthy
Identity
You get many messages from society regarding what you should
value and what you should be like.
Choosing which messages to believe and internalize affects your
identity. Women hear that their
appearance is what really matters (skinny, sexy, beautiful), that they need a
man to be happy, that men are basically dogs that need to be tamed, and as a
woman you better have your act together.
Men hear that they need to be tough, athletic, that boys will be boys
when it comes to sex, and money is what really matters. Internalizing these messages leads to an
unhealthy identity.
A healthy identity is based on God’s message to you. You are created in the image of God to have a
relationship with God and to care for the world and others as God’s representative. Through God’s son, Jesus, you are given
access to a relationship with God and the responsibility to be God’s
representative. Therefore, you can have
mutually respectful relationships, reach for positive goals, use your powers to
help others, and enjoy life without having to use alcohol or have a lot of
money. What are you basing your image
on, the world’s message or God’s?
Characteristics of
Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships
Unhealthy relationships are characterized by self-centeredness,
abuse (physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, and withholding of care), lack of
trust, lack of respect, secrecy, poor communication, an unforgiving spirit, and
poor boundaries. Healthy relationships
are characterized interdependence, trust, respect, open communication, honesty,
healthy intimacy, forgiveness, and mutually agreed upon boundaries. Reviewing the list, you will unlikely find
any of your relationships perfectly meeting the list of healthy characteristics. Perfection is not the goal, but progress. Are you and the other person willing to
progress towards a healthy relationship?
Are there more characteristics of the relationship being healthy than unhealthy?
Are you settling on a partner because
you think you don’t deserve better or cannot find another? What
would God want for your relationship, for it to be improved, continued, or
stopped?
Boundaries
Healthy relationships have positive mutually agreed upon
boundaries. A boundary is like a fence
in a yard. A fence protects what is
valuable (keeps people out and valuables in like a child or pet), shows others
where your property starts and stops, and they are not easily moved. Personal boundaries are designed to protect
and honor important parts of our lives.
They are created to clarify what are acceptable and unacceptable
behaviors from others. If your goal is
for sexual purity, then set boundaries.
If you are single and on a date, mutually agree to not be alone in an
apartment or bedroom together. If you’re
married, your boundary could be to never be alone with the opposite sex unless
you are related. Boundaries only help if
you set them in advance and communicate them with others.
Hope Clinic’s prevention team aims to counsel and educate
clients and the public about healthy relationships. While this article was not exhaustive on
choosing and maintaining healthy relationships, we want you to know that we are
here for you. We provide confidential
consultation, individual counseling, relationship accountability, off-site
group discussions, and other services.
If you would like us to help you in one or more of your relationship(s),
please contact us.
Blessings,
Patrick Hamilton, M.Div.
Male Prevention Coordinator
