This was probably my favorite line from "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" this week. The classic email gone wrong: a teenager sent an email to her father intended to get to her friend and she was busted for lying about sleeping at a friend's house. She clearly lied. She clearly made a choice to spend the night with her boyfriend which she knew was against her parents' wishes. Ironically, she was the one with the bad attitude toward her father. She was worried her privacy was compromised by seeing a text he shouldn't have. And she showed no remorse for her behavior, only for getting caught. So when the father started to discipline her for her lying she said: "I am mad at you dad, you are not my friend anymore". He replied with: "I am okay with that because I am not your friend. I am your Father". Amen!
I see this all the time. I coached teenagers for 10 years and did teenager/young adult small group bible studies at the church I worked at for another 5 years long before my time at Hope Clinic. This young girl's attitude is not uncommon: Children who expect to be friends with their parents; children who expect high levels of privacy from their parents; children who don't show remorse for bad behavior; children who want all the freedom of adulthood but none of the responsibility and parents who want to be friends more than they want to be parents. Is this all young people or parents? No. But it is more and more of them today. Statistically we know young people are physically maturing at a younger age, (http://health.yahoo.net/news/s/nm/us%20puberty%20earlier) and they are exposed to sex/adult decisions at a younger age and yet each generation is maturing more slowly than the one before. (Think: Our grandparents were married, on their own with a job at 18; today college doesn't end for many until 23-25 and children are living/returning home longer than ever before).
My viewpoint on the friends vs. parents is my own. Not a Hope Clinic ordained rule. I have just not seen it work for young children and teenagers when you put the friendship in front of the parenting. As a coach, I believed in teamwork, giving my kids a chance to share ideas, but my athletes knew the buck stopped with me and I had the final vote. And sometimes I would choose to do what is best for the team even if I knew someone was going to be mad at me. I know effective teachers who draw the same boundary. As a boss over the last 10 years I have had to make those hard lines there too. Do we want to be 'friends'? Sure, on some level. But we need to put our commitment to our leadership/mentoring role (whether teacher, coach, parent, or boss) ahead of meeting our own need to be liked by doing what is best for the one we are guiding. The one we have been entrusted to care for and help grow into a strong, capable human being.
Do we want to love and nurture? Yes! Do we want to give children a chance to succeed and fail on their own? Yes! But do they need boundaries? Yes! So before you bail out your child of oversleeping, not finishing a homework assignment, or something similar, consider letting the chips fall where they may. Consider guiding your child through the consequences, not around them. Because if they aren't equipped to handle the small stuff, then they are not equipped to handle the bigger stuff. Like the things that bring them to Hope Clinic for Women in the first place. Consider letting them be mad at you for a day or two or not your friend because you had to set a boundary that you know is good for them in the long term. Their future coach, teacher, boss, and spouse will thank you for it.
-Renee
Established in 1983, Hope Clinic for Women equips women, men and families to make healthy choices with unplanned pregnancies, prevention, pregnancy loss and postpartum depression.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Take time to evaluate your approach
February 25th, 2009, at 9:31 a.m., Turkish Airlines flight 1951 crashed upon approach to Amsterdam's Schiphol Airport, killing nine and injuring eighty of the 135 passengers and crew on board. Investigators in The Netherlands have announced that the crash of the Boeing 737-800 was caused by a combination of an instrument failure and pilot error.
The head of the Dutch Safety Board said that as the airliner's height was at minus eight feet. Because the autopilot and autothrottle were running from this flawed data, the plane automatically reduced engine power as it would have done in the final seconds before landing.
The plane's altitude and airspeed continued to fall for a minute and a half without the pilot even noticing. At 450 feet from the ground and an airspeed 46 mph lower than it should be, the aircraft's stick shaker activated to warn the flight crew of an imminent aerodynamic stall. The pilots applied full engine thrust, but were too late to prevent the accident. The aircraft crashed into a field and broke into three pieces.
Following the investigation, the Dutch Safety Board's press release stated that, "When the crew of the Turkish Airlines noticed what was going on, it was already too late to intervene effectively".
This chain of events surrounding a plane crash is a great example of how we respond to painful circumstances when they take us by surprise. For example, when your child comes to you to inform you that they are soon to be a parent, and you, a grand parent! How would/do you react in these situations? Anger, frustration, resentment, yelling, seclusion, running away, perhaps even saying nothing?
At best, even for those of us who work in these environments, we realize that we rarely feel prepared to handle such difficult circumstances the moment that we feel hit by them. Typically, our initial responses are born out of feelings of disappointment, intense fear and anxiety, and may even be strongly influenced by our own past hurts and disappointing behaviors. In short, many times we find ourselves initially saying the very things that help the least in times of crisis. Why is this?
I would suggest to you that this is a problem of perspective. So how can we adopt a loving perspective all the while communicating the truth of the matter? First, you are not a bad person for feeling any of those above mentioned emotions. The rage of emotions you may be dealing with are natural and should be identified and not covered up. Secondly, you CAN address the situation in a way that will facilitate a loving growing relationship with your child. Finally, evaluating or even re-evaluating your approach to such topics will be a challenging road to say the lease, but the focus must be kept on the eventual and abundant reward of taking the right approach.
A college friend of mine currently works as a commercial pilot transporting goods from one state to another, many times across the country. He often flies at night with millions of dollars worth of cargo and nothing more to rely on other than training and instruments. Flight school is geared to train the pilot to only partially rely on the ever-increasing effectiveness of instrumentation. But the checks and balances that have been put in place in their training allow for corrective measures to be taken by the pilot in circumstances where the instrumentation fails.
If the pilots in the above described account would have noticed the auto-throttle on the plane backing the engines off for one -and -a -half minutes prior to reaching that fatal 450 feet above ground, the plane would have never stalled, and the saving of the nine lives and 80 different injuries would have been as simple as the pilot's adjusting of the throttle by at least 50 mph!
How many times have we failed to evaluate our approach in our responses, and in failing to do so, we have injured the relationship with our kids by responding only from anger or hurt? Ideally, we would allow for the response to lead them closer to the one person we actually want them to rely on and turn to in difficult moment...US?!?
We as parents desire to be the tempered gut reaction in our children's lives that leads them away from difficult or damaging circumstances. How many of us actually want our children to experience a fatal crash? Hopefully, none of us! The truth is, we also want our children to learn from and recognize the hurt and pain that their poor choices make for them and for us. But let me offer this one piece of advice: they are more aware of that grief and the reality of that pain than you will ever recognize, especially when focusing on our own pain, grief and disappointment is many times the first thing that crosses our minds.
Please be encouraged to take the time to mend old wounds with your child today, regardless of their or your age; and please, evaluate your approach the next time your child is in a hurting and vulnerable position.
Even an empty five-gallon bucket becomes unbearable over miles of travel by foot. How much more unbearable is the emotional pain caused by a loving parent when carried over many years of life?
-Earl Burns
The head of the Dutch Safety Board said that as the airliner's height was at minus eight feet. Because the autopilot and autothrottle were running from this flawed data, the plane automatically reduced engine power as it would have done in the final seconds before landing.
The plane's altitude and airspeed continued to fall for a minute and a half without the pilot even noticing. At 450 feet from the ground and an airspeed 46 mph lower than it should be, the aircraft's stick shaker activated to warn the flight crew of an imminent aerodynamic stall. The pilots applied full engine thrust, but were too late to prevent the accident. The aircraft crashed into a field and broke into three pieces.
Following the investigation, the Dutch Safety Board's press release stated that, "When the crew of the Turkish Airlines noticed what was going on, it was already too late to intervene effectively".
This chain of events surrounding a plane crash is a great example of how we respond to painful circumstances when they take us by surprise. For example, when your child comes to you to inform you that they are soon to be a parent, and you, a grand parent! How would/do you react in these situations? Anger, frustration, resentment, yelling, seclusion, running away, perhaps even saying nothing?
At best, even for those of us who work in these environments, we realize that we rarely feel prepared to handle such difficult circumstances the moment that we feel hit by them. Typically, our initial responses are born out of feelings of disappointment, intense fear and anxiety, and may even be strongly influenced by our own past hurts and disappointing behaviors. In short, many times we find ourselves initially saying the very things that help the least in times of crisis. Why is this?
I would suggest to you that this is a problem of perspective. So how can we adopt a loving perspective all the while communicating the truth of the matter? First, you are not a bad person for feeling any of those above mentioned emotions. The rage of emotions you may be dealing with are natural and should be identified and not covered up. Secondly, you CAN address the situation in a way that will facilitate a loving growing relationship with your child. Finally, evaluating or even re-evaluating your approach to such topics will be a challenging road to say the lease, but the focus must be kept on the eventual and abundant reward of taking the right approach.
A college friend of mine currently works as a commercial pilot transporting goods from one state to another, many times across the country. He often flies at night with millions of dollars worth of cargo and nothing more to rely on other than training and instruments. Flight school is geared to train the pilot to only partially rely on the ever-increasing effectiveness of instrumentation. But the checks and balances that have been put in place in their training allow for corrective measures to be taken by the pilot in circumstances where the instrumentation fails.
If the pilots in the above described account would have noticed the auto-throttle on the plane backing the engines off for one -and -a -half minutes prior to reaching that fatal 450 feet above ground, the plane would have never stalled, and the saving of the nine lives and 80 different injuries would have been as simple as the pilot's adjusting of the throttle by at least 50 mph!
How many times have we failed to evaluate our approach in our responses, and in failing to do so, we have injured the relationship with our kids by responding only from anger or hurt? Ideally, we would allow for the response to lead them closer to the one person we actually want them to rely on and turn to in difficult moment...US?!?
We as parents desire to be the tempered gut reaction in our children's lives that leads them away from difficult or damaging circumstances. How many of us actually want our children to experience a fatal crash? Hopefully, none of us! The truth is, we also want our children to learn from and recognize the hurt and pain that their poor choices make for them and for us. But let me offer this one piece of advice: they are more aware of that grief and the reality of that pain than you will ever recognize, especially when focusing on our own pain, grief and disappointment is many times the first thing that crosses our minds.
Please be encouraged to take the time to mend old wounds with your child today, regardless of their or your age; and please, evaluate your approach the next time your child is in a hurting and vulnerable position.
Even an empty five-gallon bucket becomes unbearable over miles of travel by foot. How much more unbearable is the emotional pain caused by a loving parent when carried over many years of life?
-Earl Burns
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Weekly Blog from today's TV
Not much to comment on with 'Secret Life of the American Teenager' so I will comment on a couple of the main characters of 'Teen Mom' Season 2 on MTV. This is a 'reality' show of sorts. I use that term loosely because we know reality shows aren't quite...real. This show follows 4 of the original girls that were portrayed in their pregnancy. Their children are just over a year old. Three of the girls are parenting. One chose adoption.
First, let me talk about Amber. She is the only one of the three that is actually still with the father of the baby. But that relationship is quite unstable. To me, watching this couple reminds me that it is not always in the best interest of the child for the couple to stay together just because they had a baby together. That child is exposed to yelling, screaming and hitting. (Oh, and in case you were wondering, it is the girl hitting the guy). They are both unemployed and I don't see them trying very hard to work. Not even sure if Amber got her GED yet. And as far as I can tell, they are not getting couples counseling. They would benefit greatly from Hope Clinic's couple's counseling, individual counseling and BRIDGE program. It is important to us to keep working with our clients even after the baby is born. We want to equip our clients as much as possible so she and her baby have the healthiest future possible. So if you see this Amber, please call a place like Hope Clinic for Women near you. For you and for your beautiful baby! I know you have it in you; you just need some help.
Maci is another young mom. She lives at home with her parents and they are really helping her. I like her. She really is trying to be a good mom, work, and go to school. She made the healthy choice NOT to marry the father of the baby as she realized he wasn't growing up enough. Because her parents are helping her, she has the time to attend community college. This past show, she thought she may be able to move in with her friends but they were honest with her about not wanting to live with a toddler. I appreciated the honesty of that whole scene. You can still have a productive life after an unplanned pregnancy, but there are sacrifices and it takes a team of people to help you. That is the hard truth. She is really stepping up to the plate though. Go Maci!
Before I close I have to comment on something I saw on TV this week. It was a rerun of a 'Friends' episode where Ross finds out Rachel is pregnant with his child. He goes into a rant that he had no idea that condoms were only 97% effective. You can't help but laugh at the scene between he and Joey as they realize...in their 30's, that condoms are not 100% effective. But kidding aside, the truth is, the majority of the people using them don't realize that or want to realize that. And that percent is that high only if used correctly each and every time, which we know from our clients is not typical. So while a funny scene, it reminds me of how many times people really don't think it through before becoming sexually active. And how 'in control we think we are'. The issue is not just an unplanned pregnancy or contracting an STD. Sex in the wrong setting hurts deeper than that and the consequences cannot be contained by a piece of latex. Or a pill. That is why I am so glad when we talk to young adults; we address their heart, their head, their dreams, and their hopes. We want to equip them from the inside out. Want to help your teen or young adult? Contact us about coming to speak at your school or Church. :)
First, let me talk about Amber. She is the only one of the three that is actually still with the father of the baby. But that relationship is quite unstable. To me, watching this couple reminds me that it is not always in the best interest of the child for the couple to stay together just because they had a baby together. That child is exposed to yelling, screaming and hitting. (Oh, and in case you were wondering, it is the girl hitting the guy). They are both unemployed and I don't see them trying very hard to work. Not even sure if Amber got her GED yet. And as far as I can tell, they are not getting couples counseling. They would benefit greatly from Hope Clinic's couple's counseling, individual counseling and BRIDGE program. It is important to us to keep working with our clients even after the baby is born. We want to equip our clients as much as possible so she and her baby have the healthiest future possible. So if you see this Amber, please call a place like Hope Clinic for Women near you. For you and for your beautiful baby! I know you have it in you; you just need some help.
Maci is another young mom. She lives at home with her parents and they are really helping her. I like her. She really is trying to be a good mom, work, and go to school. She made the healthy choice NOT to marry the father of the baby as she realized he wasn't growing up enough. Because her parents are helping her, she has the time to attend community college. This past show, she thought she may be able to move in with her friends but they were honest with her about not wanting to live with a toddler. I appreciated the honesty of that whole scene. You can still have a productive life after an unplanned pregnancy, but there are sacrifices and it takes a team of people to help you. That is the hard truth. She is really stepping up to the plate though. Go Maci!
Before I close I have to comment on something I saw on TV this week. It was a rerun of a 'Friends' episode where Ross finds out Rachel is pregnant with his child. He goes into a rant that he had no idea that condoms were only 97% effective. You can't help but laugh at the scene between he and Joey as they realize...in their 30's, that condoms are not 100% effective. But kidding aside, the truth is, the majority of the people using them don't realize that or want to realize that. And that percent is that high only if used correctly each and every time, which we know from our clients is not typical. So while a funny scene, it reminds me of how many times people really don't think it through before becoming sexually active. And how 'in control we think we are'. The issue is not just an unplanned pregnancy or contracting an STD. Sex in the wrong setting hurts deeper than that and the consequences cannot be contained by a piece of latex. Or a pill. That is why I am so glad when we talk to young adults; we address their heart, their head, their dreams, and their hopes. We want to equip them from the inside out. Want to help your teen or young adult? Contact us about coming to speak at your school or Church. :)
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