When did it become embarrassing to be a virgin?

I can't believe I am writing this...because it shows how old I am and how far we have come since I was in high school...but here goes...

When I was in high school, girls wanted boys to know they were virgins. It was a sign of values, strength and honor. Not just Christian girls, all girls. Smart girls, pretty girls, cheerleaders, etc... All of us. I know this because I was one of those people that was friends with everyone. I never fell completely in one clique. So I say that with confidence. Friends were just friends were just friends and there were no benefits...well at least not sexually. We giggled about 'bases' but very few 'hit the home run' and if you did, you didn't cop to it.

Before moving to Nashville I coached for 10 years at the local public high school. Yes I had cheerleaders who had babies, who had abortions and who did a bunch of other stuff I was sad to discover. So I haven't lived in a fog. I have seen sex creep into the schools at a younger and younger age. But the one thing that still stood out was that it was still socially acceptable to be a virgin.

In the last year I have seen so many shows on MTV and VH1 where both guys and girls tease other girls for being a virgin. Like it is a bad thing. An embarrassment. Now it has hit mainstream TV. In the last couple of weeks I have seen on Grey's Anatomy and 90210 where women were either embarrassed or harassed for being a virgin. Sigh. Has it come to that?

It is hard enough to choose abstinence today with sex saturated everywhere but to add being embarrassed about? That is sad. I don't have an answer to young people to change this. All I can say is the sooner you have to stand on your own values in any area of your life, the sooner you are ready for adulthood. Peer pressure occurs at all ages in all settings. It even happens at work, in church and at your small group. There are few safe places from either real peer pressure or perceived pressure. I am sorry for young people that they just have to face it sooner and sooner with harder and harder topics.

Let's pray for young people. Let's do what we can to model standing firm in the midst of pressure. And let's continue to show grace when they fall short of reaching the high mark. It is harder to get there.

Renee

Teen Mom

I must warn you: this is a frank conversation. I get that every day I hear about pregnancy and STD's and have straight talk with staff, clients, and volunteers. That being said, my filter on this topic may be different from your own. But I think it is important for us to deal with this topic openly if we want young people to listen to us and be real with us. Only then can we really have a chance to speak the truth in love to them.

I am not going to talk about the show this week but the website MTV constantly refers to during the show: http://www.itsyoursexlife.org/. They promote this site with the sentence: Teenage Pregnancy is 100% preventable. Yes, they make that strong of a claim. But when you go to the site, you get lots of information that at a glance seems good. Yes, you should talk about sex and the potential risks with your partner before even engaging in activity. But then the whole website is filled with information about condom use, getting tested, etc. The site is done in partnership with various organizations including the CDC and Planned Parenthood. i found one teeny tiny sentence that said this: "not having vaginal sex is the best form of preventing pregnancy". (Um, last I checked that is the only 100% effective way to prevent pregnancy). Also, I couldn't help but notice they added "vaginal" which I think implies: other forms of sex are completely fine. They make it seem like while abstinence is the better choice, condom use is a close second place option. They really stress that proper use each and every time with a condom is almost 100% protection. But that is just not true. Here is their exact claim:

For those who are sexually active, the only protection against BOTH pregnancy and STD's, including HIV, are condoms. Not only does the consistent and correct use of condoms offer protection against pregnancy, it can also reduce the risk for many other STD's including HIV.

My problem with this line to a teenager is the implied full proof blanket condoms provide against pregnancy. Truth: even when used correctly each and every time, a condom is not 100% effective on pregnancy. From our experience at Hope Clinic, less than 20% of our clients use a condom each and every time. And then it says it "can reduce the risk for many STD's". Yes, this is true, but do they ever say that it still has nearly a 17% failure rate on STD's? No.

And here is a 'medical' fact they don't bring up at all that directly impacts the 'emotional side effects': the normal hormone that is released in a woman after sex that cause her to want to 'connect' and 'attach' does not exist in men, so it is different for them. Most women have no idea why he doesn't feel the same things after sex that she does. This leads to my biggest concern with the website.

Nowhere does it talk about the emotional and spiritual issues tied to sex. Nowhere does it discuss how to even discuss that part with your partner. It has reduced sex to just sex; an act that has only physical consequences (like STD's and pregnancy). I guess out of the entire site, that is my biggest concern. As we deal with clients every day that may or may not be pregnant or have an STD...all of them have been affected emotionally by their choices. And many of them are dealing with the spiritual/moral issues as well.

I am not trying to bash MTV or even the facts on this website. I am actually grateful for them bringing the topic to light and they are trying to appeal to a wide audience. I am just saying, as a woman, as a coach, as a young adult small group leader, as the CEO of Hope Clinic, I can tell you sex is not just sex. If we convince young people the only life changing effects of sex are unplanned pregnancies and STD's, we are ignoring the inner workings of our humanity. And until we talk about all parts of the issue we leave our young people defenseless and disillusioned.

Eat, Pray, What?

I recently saw the movie Eat, Pray, Love. It's the story of one woman's journey to find love, happiness and peace for herself. So she leaves her world (literally), including her husband, job, friends/family, and spends an entire year traveling the world in search of love, happiness and peace. She has made the choice to leave everything in order to find these things for herself.

There's certainly nothing wrong with wanting love, happiness and peace, understanding who you are, seeking answers to those big questions in your mind. But as you live life, remember that your life involves other people. As John Donne once wrote, "No man is an island." The way we live our life touches others. The choices we make for ourselves affect the people around us, no matter how big or small the choice is.

Think about it. When good things happen to us, we want to share it with others. When our good choices result in good outcomes, we want to share that success with the people we care about, for instance choosing college and then celebrating when we finally graduate. Our good choices affect others because they care about us and want to celebrate with us. And in the same way, our negative choices affect those same people. When we hurt, those who care for us hurt as well. Our choices can even affect people we don't know. don't be fooled into believing your choices don't affect others. They affect someone.

Much of this love, happiness and peace we seek comes when we focus, not on our own love, happiness and peace, but in helping others find the same. The people we interact with on a daily basis like co-workers, peers, friends, boy/girl friends, spouses, etc...those people we eat, pray and love with.

Tabitha

We don't wait well

I visited HopePark Church this past week and listened to Pastor David Perez teach about 'waiting in the wilderness'. How do we handle the 'in between time' of God's promise and fruition? He even showed a clip of The Marshmallow Test, which illustrated young children's ability to either eat one marshmallow immediately or wait 20 minutes for two. They apparently followed these children through college into adulthood and discovered that those who waited were more successful in school and in their careers and felt more fulfilled. It caused me to reflect on my own life and the areas where I patiently waited for the right thing vs. settling quickly for the wrong thing. I then thought about the times I wasn't patient...yeah...pretty humbling. I think about how badly most of us wait in traffic, in line at the store, the line at the DMV, waiting for test results (both school and medical test results), etc. Think about it. We live in a fast paced world where food, data...just about anything is available in seconds. Have you ever forgotten your cell phone at home and noticed how impatient people are waiting for you to return a call or text? We are training ourselves to wait for very little today. We think we are good 'waiters' when a few days, weeks or months go by before a promise is fulfilled. But the Old Testament is filled with those who waited years...decades...before God's promises were realized.

At Hope Clinic we teach young adults about abstinence until marriage; which is immediately followed by the word: wait. Ah waiting. That thing we are no longer training ourselves or modeling to young people how to do. And we wonder why waiting is so hard for them with something as big and difficult as sex. Especially when you consider the average age of marriage is no longer 18 or 22, but well into 20's and 30's. And I wonder...what other area of our lives have we successfully modeled to wait 10 or 15 years before fulfillment?

Do I think we should teach young people to wait on sex? Absolutely. But after this teaching at church, I am asking myself how well I model "waiting" in all areas of my life. How am I really teaching them to wait? Am I willing to wait for the things I want too? Young adults are watching us more than they are listening to us. If we want them to wait, let's remember to show them how to wait and the positive results of waiting...in all areas of our life. If we teach them to wait for the little things, they will learn how to wait for the big things.

-Renee

What do you really need?

This week's blog is about something I saw on the 'Secret Life of the American Teenager' last week (so the 8/30/10 episode). Ricky is a junior in high school. He is the father of the baby, John. Some background on Ricky: Ricky plays out the ultimate 'player' character. I don't know where his father was in his life but his mom was an addict and we learned he has not had the most stable childhood. Recently he has been cared for by a foster family. The show depicts his foster parents as well educated, grounded people, trying to bring some balance and security in his life. But we can tell they came into his life late so they are doing the best they can. In fact, at this point Ricky lives in an apartnemt above the butcher shop he works in. Part of why Ricky is not currently dating the mother of his son, (well that is actually changing but more on that another week), is because he notoriously sleeps around.

I have been intrigued with the growth of this character over the last few seasons. The hopeless 'hopeful' person in me sees a young man, with no good model in his past, fight really hard to be a good dad and a good man. But well, he is 17 and he doesn't have a lot of help so he certainly messes up and slides back to his old patterns often but I see someone really trying. He is working after school to support his son and has given up many frivolous things he used to do. No big deal? I see plenty of 'baby daddies' at the high school ignoring all responsibility.

So what has intrigued me this week about Ricky has to do with the conversation he had with his male therapist. He is considering if he and the mother of his child should 'try to work on their relationship'. His one concern is his need for sex and the mother of his baby not wanting to have sex. (She got pregnant with their child the one and only time she had sex). He says: "You know me, I need sex. I can't go without sex." His therapist says: "No Ricky. I am going to challenge your thinking. I think you need to feel loved. And sex has been the only way you knew how to seek it from a woman."
And then they really explore this. Ricky doesn't tell him he is crazy for saying that! Yeah, I fell off the couch then. Do I expect to hear that from a therapist to a female client? Yes. But my own stereotypes tell me there is no way a guy would do that would they? Yes they would. Young men want to feel loved too. Just like young women. They have just been taught to go for the hunt. Have sex and take the love from a woman. But just like women who have sex to feel loved, this type of exchange is un-authentic. It feels good for the moment but like a sugar rush after a bunch of chocolate, it is not the real sustaining kind we all seek.

I am so glad we have male counselors and mentors at Hope Clinic now. These young men need us as desperately as the women do. You may think they don't talk to the men here but they do. Earl tells me time and again how MUCH the young men share, how they hug him at the end, how relieved they are to finally have someone to talk to. I keep reminding people that 60% of the young men today are growing up without a father figure in the home. We want them to 'be a real man' or 'be a Godly Man' and yet most of them have not seen this, their entire life. So this week I am encouraging all of us to do what we can to make sure the young men we know have access to Godly men who will take the time to speak into their life, share life with them and mentor them. And if you want to know more about how you can do this at Hope Clinic, contact Earl Burns at EBurns@hopeclinicforwomen.org.

I am not your friend, I am your Father.

This was probably my favorite line from "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" this week. The classic email gone wrong: a teenager sent an email to her father intended to get to her friend and she was busted for lying about sleeping at a friend's house. She clearly lied. She clearly made a choice to spend the night with her boyfriend which she knew was against her parents' wishes. Ironically, she was the one with the bad attitude toward her father. She was worried her privacy was compromised by seeing a text he shouldn't have. And she showed no remorse for her behavior, only for getting caught. So when the father started to discipline her for her lying she said: "I am mad at you dad, you are not my friend anymore". He replied with: "I am okay with that because I am not your friend. I am your Father". Amen!

I see this all the time. I coached teenagers for 10 years and did teenager/young adult small group bible studies at the church I worked at for another 5 years long before my time at Hope Clinic. This young girl's attitude is not uncommon: Children who expect to be friends with their parents; children who expect high levels of privacy from their parents; children who don't show remorse for bad behavior; children who want all the freedom of adulthood but none of the responsibility and parents who want to be friends more than they want to be parents. Is this all young people or parents? No. But it is more and more of them today. Statistically we know young people are physically maturing at a younger age, (http://health.yahoo.net/news/s/nm/us%20puberty%20earlier) and they are exposed to sex/adult decisions at a younger age and yet each generation is maturing more slowly than the one before. (Think: Our grandparents were married, on their own with a job at 18; today college doesn't end for many until 23-25 and children are living/returning home longer than ever before).

My viewpoint on the friends vs. parents is my own. Not a Hope Clinic ordained rule. I have just not seen it work for young children and teenagers when you put the friendship in front of the parenting. As a coach, I believed in teamwork, giving my kids a chance to share ideas, but my athletes knew the buck stopped with me and I had the final vote. And sometimes I would choose to do what is best for the team even if I knew someone was going to be mad at me. I know effective teachers who draw the same boundary. As a boss over the last 10 years I have had to make those hard lines there too. Do we want to be 'friends'? Sure, on some level. But we need to put our commitment to our leadership/mentoring role (whether teacher, coach, parent, or boss) ahead of meeting our own need to be liked by doing what is best for the one we are guiding. The one we have been entrusted to care for and help grow into a strong, capable human being.

Do we want to love and nurture? Yes! Do we want to give children a chance to succeed and fail on their own? Yes! But do they need boundaries? Yes! So before you bail out your child of oversleeping, not finishing a homework assignment, or something similar, consider letting the chips fall where they may. Consider guiding your child through the consequences, not around them. Because if they aren't equipped to handle the small stuff, then they are not equipped to handle the bigger stuff. Like the things that bring them to Hope Clinic for Women in the first place. Consider letting them be mad at you for a day or two or not your friend because you had to set a boundary that you know is good for them in the long term. Their future coach, teacher, boss, and spouse will thank you for it.

-Renee

Take time to evaluate your approach

February 25th, 2009, at 9:31 a.m., Turkish Airlines flight 1951 crashed upon approach to Amsterdam's Schiphol Airport, killing nine and injuring eighty of the 135 passengers and crew on board. Investigators in The Netherlands have announced that the crash of the Boeing 737-800 was caused by a combination of an instrument failure and pilot error.

The head of the Dutch Safety Board said that as the airliner's height was at minus eight feet. Because the autopilot and autothrottle were running from this flawed data, the plane automatically reduced engine power as it would have done in the final seconds before landing.

The plane's altitude and airspeed continued to fall for a minute and a half without the pilot even noticing. At 450 feet from the ground and an airspeed 46 mph lower than it should be, the aircraft's stick shaker activated to warn the flight crew of an imminent aerodynamic stall. The pilots applied full engine thrust, but were too late to prevent the accident. The aircraft crashed into a field and broke into three pieces.

Following the investigation, the Dutch Safety Board's press release stated that, "When the crew of the Turkish Airlines noticed what was going on, it was already too late to intervene effectively".

This chain of events surrounding a plane crash is a great example of how we respond to painful circumstances when they take us by surprise. For example, when your child comes to you to inform you that they are soon to be a parent, and you, a grand parent! How would/do you react in these situations? Anger, frustration, resentment, yelling, seclusion, running away, perhaps even saying nothing?

At best, even for those of us who work in these environments, we realize that we rarely feel prepared to handle such difficult circumstances the moment that we feel hit by them. Typically, our initial responses are born out of feelings of disappointment, intense fear and anxiety, and may even be strongly influenced by our own past hurts and disappointing behaviors. In short, many times we find ourselves initially saying the very things that help the least in times of crisis. Why is this?

I would suggest to you that this is a problem of perspective. So how can we adopt a loving perspective all the while communicating the truth of the matter? First, you are not a bad person for feeling any of those above mentioned emotions. The rage of emotions you may be dealing with are natural and should be identified and not covered up. Secondly, you CAN address the situation in a way that will facilitate a loving growing relationship with your child. Finally, evaluating or even re-evaluating your approach to such topics will be a challenging road to say the lease, but the focus must be kept on the eventual and abundant reward of taking the right approach.

A college friend of mine currently works as a commercial pilot transporting goods from one state to another, many times across the country. He often flies at night with millions of dollars worth of cargo and nothing more to rely on other than training and instruments. Flight school is geared to train the pilot to only partially rely on the ever-increasing effectiveness of instrumentation. But the checks and balances that have been put in place in their training allow for corrective measures to be taken by the pilot in circumstances where the instrumentation fails.

If the pilots in the above described account would have noticed the auto-throttle on the plane backing the engines off for one -and -a -half minutes prior to reaching that fatal 450 feet above ground, the plane would have never stalled, and the saving of the nine lives and 80 different injuries would have been as simple as the pilot's adjusting of the throttle by at least 50 mph!

How many times have we failed to evaluate our approach in our responses, and in failing to do so, we have injured the relationship with our kids by responding only from anger or hurt? Ideally, we would allow for the response to lead them closer to the one person we actually want them to rely on and turn to in difficult moment...US?!?

We as parents desire to be the tempered gut reaction in our children's lives that leads them away from difficult or damaging circumstances. How many of us actually want our children to experience a fatal crash? Hopefully, none of us! The truth is, we also want our children to learn from and recognize the hurt and pain that their poor choices make for them and for us. But let me offer this one piece of advice: they are more aware of that grief and the reality of that pain than you will ever recognize, especially when focusing on our own pain, grief and disappointment is many times the first thing that crosses our minds.

Please be encouraged to take the time to mend old wounds with your child today, regardless of their or your age; and please, evaluate your approach the next time your child is in a hurting and vulnerable position.

Even an empty five-gallon bucket becomes unbearable over miles of travel by foot. How much more unbearable is the emotional pain caused by a loving parent when carried over many years of life?

-Earl Burns

Weekly Blog from today's TV

Not much to comment on with 'Secret Life of the American Teenager' so I will comment on a couple of the main characters of 'Teen Mom' Season 2 on MTV. This is a 'reality' show of sorts. I use that term loosely because we know reality shows aren't quite...real. This show follows 4 of the original girls that were portrayed in their pregnancy. Their children are just over a year old. Three of the girls are parenting. One chose adoption.

First, let me talk about Amber. She is the only one of the three that is actually still with the father of the baby. But that relationship is quite unstable. To me, watching this couple reminds me that it is not always in the best interest of the child for the couple to stay together just because they had a baby together. That child is exposed to yelling, screaming and hitting. (Oh, and in case you were wondering, it is the girl hitting the guy). They are both unemployed and I don't see them trying very hard to work. Not even sure if Amber got her GED yet. And as far as I can tell, they are not getting couples counseling. They would benefit greatly from Hope Clinic's couple's counseling, individual counseling and BRIDGE program. It is important to us to keep working with our clients even after the baby is born. We want to equip our clients as much as possible so she and her baby have the healthiest future possible. So if you see this Amber, please call a place like Hope Clinic for Women near you. For you and for your beautiful baby! I know you have it in you; you just need some help.

Maci is another young mom. She lives at home with her parents and they are really helping her. I like her. She really is trying to be a good mom, work, and go to school. She made the healthy choice NOT to marry the father of the baby as she realized he wasn't growing up enough. Because her parents are helping her, she has the time to attend community college. This past show, she thought she may be able to move in with her friends but they were honest with her about not wanting to live with a toddler. I appreciated the honesty of that whole scene. You can still have a productive life after an unplanned pregnancy, but there are sacrifices and it takes a team of people to help you. That is the hard truth. She is really stepping up to the plate though. Go Maci!

Before I close I have to comment on something I saw on TV this week. It was a rerun of a 'Friends' episode where Ross finds out Rachel is pregnant with his child. He goes into a rant that he had no idea that condoms were only 97% effective. You can't help but laugh at the scene between he and Joey as they realize...in their 30's, that condoms are not 100% effective. But kidding aside, the truth is, the majority of the people using them don't realize that or want to realize that. And that percent is that high only if used correctly each and every time, which we know from our clients is not typical. So while a funny scene, it reminds me of how many times people really don't think it through before becoming sexually active. And how 'in control we think we are'. The issue is not just an unplanned pregnancy or contracting an STD. Sex in the wrong setting hurts deeper than that and the consequences cannot be contained by a piece of latex. Or a pill. That is why I am so glad when we talk to young adults; we address their heart, their head, their dreams, and their hopes. We want to equip them from the inside out. Want to help your teen or young adult? Contact us about coming to speak at your school or Church. :)

Thoughts on 'Secret Life'

I have two weeks of episodes to comment on. Last week we saw Adrian, the young girl we thought would have an abortion. To remind you, her father was not in favor of the abortion and her mother said she 'supported her decision either way'...but what we learned by the end of the show was that mom really was leaning towards abortion. As I said, this is not unusual, even in a Christian home, for the parents to be divided on what to do. I felt for the young girl. Either choice she made she knew she was disappointing one parent. It is why I really wish parents could meet privately and wrestle together but stand united when they are face to face with their child. I think in any area, a child doesn't like to choose between parents.

So why did Adrian not choose abortion? Interstingly, she runs into a woman at the abortion clinic who sits with her and talks with her without an agenda. Is it exactly how we do our inital visit with clients? No, but there are similarities. Especially when it came to really listening to Adrian. Sometimes when someone comes to us in crisis, all we want to do is help and fix...and somtimes all we need to do is listen. Really listen. THAT is what we do at Hope Clinic. Many times we don't need to shame, guilt or put fear into a cleint for her to see that choosing life is an option she really wants all on her own. Sometimes she needs to just find her voice, talk it out, think it through and her choice may surprise even herself.

Then last night I really liked two other things. One mother was talking to her daughter about a boy the daughter liked. And the mom said something we need to say to young adults more often...and frankly to one another more often. She said: 'we just can't decide based on our feelings alone. Sometimes we need to think more. And sometimes no matter what we are feeling, we need to go with what we know to be right and healthy for us in the long run'. And honestly I think that is one of the biggest problems facing young people...well all of us today when it comes to us acting immorally. Because the infidelity rate is high enough in marriage for us to recongize it is not just immature teenagers making unhealthy decisions. Many times we abandon logic, reason, and what we know to be true based only on what we are feeling. And then we seem surprised that the outcome doesn't turn out so well. I liked that reminder. For you, for me, and for our clients.

The other thing I liked last night was hearing from the one male parent who I think is the healthiest male role model. The father of Adrian's baby is Ben. I am referring to Ben's dad. Ben's dad lost his wife to cancer and has been raising Ben alone until he recently got remarried. I don't agree with everything he says but he does not waiver in his ability to show love for his son no matter what while challenging his son to 'do the right thing...be a man...take responsibility'. And he doesn't just say it. He tries to explain it, model it, and support Ben through it. He is firm but the foundation is love. Ben hates how much his dad pushes him yet he doesn't hate it because he is pushed to do something he didn't think he could do and when he does it, he realizes he is stronger than he thought. I wish more dads could do this. More young men today need this kind of love. An unconditional love, yes. But one with boundaries. One where the moral compass does not change but one that offers grace as well. It is a hard balance for sure. But it is the greatest, hardest, most rewarding and important thing a father could do for a son. Even more that help pay for the most prestigious college or buying him a car. But helping him become a man.

Reflections of 'The Secret Life of an American Teenager'

I wish I had been blogging about this show (and other similar ones) for the last couple of years. Many times I am thankful the topic of pregnancy hits the mainstream TV audience, but sometimes I cringe if I am unsure of the direction they may take. In the last year alone, we have seen this topic hit: Private Practice (abortion in a pro-life family and postpartum depression), Teen Mom (MTV) and of course, 'Secret Life' on ABC Family. There is more I am sure but my brain is fuzzy right now.

It is not my intent to over analyze a show, praise it or criticize it, but merely respond to it and open up discussion. Background: This show started with a young, sweet high school girl who seemed to fall in the 'good girl' category. She goes to band camp and has sex for the first time and gets pregnant. She considers abortion but realizes she can't go through with it. For two seasons we have watched her, the father of the baby and family and friends respond to this. Do I think it's realistic? Sometimes. I can't go back and give my thoughts on the past but this year's storyline is different. Basically, another student gets pregnant and tonight, she is supposedly on her way to get an abortion. Her reputation suggests she sleeps around. She is also the girl who was born because her mother had an unplanned pregnancy. Coincidentally perhaps, her birth dad is now just back in the picture and married to her mother.

What do I like? The struggle when the family unit doesn't agree on what to do. Dad wants her to keep the baby and tries to take control of the situation. She wants to abort. Her mother 'supports her decision whatever it is'. Oh and the father of the baby is also in the 'I will support her in whatever she wants' camp but seems really wishy washy on where he stands and frankly I think enjoying too much sitting on his 'I will support her' fence. It conveniently keeps him from making an adult decision. Basically, all of their differing viewpoints are real life. We hardly see the entire family unit in agreement on what to do. It is raw and hard on everyone.

What I don't like. I don't like that adoption was never discussed as an option. The only person who even slightly mentions it is the pregnant girls 'religious' friend whom I think never actually says the word "adoption". (I won't mention how they mockingly portray the 'Christian' girl yet.) I hate that such a wonderful option received no air time whatsoever. The only reason she gives for not keeping the baby is that 'she is not ready to be a parent'. It isn't even that she is worried about people finding out as at least 1/3 of the school already figured it out. So why not put adoption on the table at least? I also don't like the stereotype of the 'good girl' on the show choosing life and the 'bad girl' is choosing abortion. It doesn't always go that way. We like to think it does...but it doesn't. And I don't like that no one really sits down and talks with her about the emotional and/or medical side effects of abortion. Her mother tries to say both decisions are big and life changing but there really wasn't a deep thoughtful process on what kind of thoughts she would even be experiencing. It was all about: we have to get this done. But I can't fault the show for portraying it that way as it is pretty close to how it happens sometimes.

Frankly, I am not sure what they will do tonight. As far as I know, they haven't really had a girl on a TV show choose abortion, have they? We know it happens. In fact, it happens at least1 in 3 times if not more in an unplanned pregnancy. Even 'Party of Five' many years ago had a character miscarry on the way to the abortion procedure. Sure, there are shows where the character may have already had one, but actually having one...pretty big even for TV.

Tune in to this blog and I will share my thoughts on it on the other side...

Renee

A Practitioner's Response to the Morning After

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2010/06/11/127773992/new-morning-pill-works-five-days-later-too

As a practitioner who sees clients day in and day out dealing with unplanned pregnancy, the fear of unplanned pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases, it seems to me, the need is not for another emergency drug to deal with an unplanned pregnancy--but to prevent unplanned conception in the first place. The issue is not that someone suddenly realizes they might be pregnant, the issue is that over half of all pregnancies are unplanned. The logical way to deal with a situation is usually to get to within a couple days of conception, but thatshe has put herself in a position where she could get pregnant unintentionally in the first place. We need to be addressing the risky behavior more aggressively, rather than scrambling to meet a 3-5 day deadline after the fact. Besides, the majority of the women I see don't even realize they are pregnant or have a possibility of pregnancy till they miss their first period, which is long past that 5 day mark. Women need to take ownership of their sexual behavior, they need to understand their bodies and fertility. This seems more an issue of women undervaluing their body, their sexuality, and their ability to bear children: therefore it follows, that if women were educated and learned to respect these things, they would handle them with care.

Another major idea this article seems to promote is the idea that an unplanned pregnancy is a bad thing and something that should be terminated. Not all unplanned events in life are undesired events. Some of the most beautiful and meaningful things that happen in life, happen by chance and despite our best efforts to avoid them. So, maybe our efforts should be spent in helping people learn to respect themselves and theri potential, learn to put themselves in situations that help them succeed; but then also encourage them to accept happenstance, showing them how to deal with the consequences in a healthy way, so as not to rush "dealing with it", which only will deepen the pain.

Cheri Seefeldt, FNP-C

Moving furniture around

It's amazing to me that the placement of furniture in a room can drastically effect how we feel in the room. For example, this morning I walked into the intern office downstairs as Dr. Marshall, (also our staff interior designer), had moved a very bulky wooden table into the kitchen. The rustic black farmhouse table was also now in the work space area adjoining the intern office, providing a nice contrast to the mostly office-y pieces. It felt...good, and open. It made me want to walk through the area more as the space invited order as opposed to clutter. I found myself just standing there observing our busy interns getting ready for a full Monday. Nice.

Although I'm sure you are all dying to see the new layout, you are probably much more interested in the point of this entry. And I am getting there...! First of all, I'll ask you this simple question: when was the last time you moved furniture around in your own life? If you are anything like me, you may work from a comfy, yet dusty attic complete with dated wallpaper, a hand-me-down lazy boy, an overflowing trunk of nick knacks waiting to be sorted through and an oriental rug that hasn't been cleaned since the Clinton administration.

Here at Hope Clinic, there is always the temptation to fall into the proverbial "rut" and in contrast, the opportunity to hustle. Thankfully, we have been extremely blessed by consistent support from businesses, churches, volunteers, and prayer warriors. However, there is a distinctive choice made around here to grow and change for the better whether it means rearranging what we already have into a new formation or dreaming of something more suitable. Regardless, the mission continues to blow my mind and inspires me to clean my mess. It's never quite plausible to just start over altogether. Yet it is almost always possible to rearrange what hasn't worked in the past, and in doing so, invite life and beauty.

Take just ten minutes....

It seems all week now we have gotten a constant stream of tragic accounts of loss due to this past weekend's flood disaster. People, even staff members here, have experienced extensive (and expensive), house, car, office, loss which cannot be undone. (Don't you wish you had an undo button for natural disasters?) Fortunately, the clinic is unscathed. However, I think we all have been affected in some way or know someone closely who has.

This is a very real example of crisis and also a very real example of how it can hit anyone at anytime. You can't plan perfectly for it and you can't react perfectly to it. I for one, have been really blessed to see the community of Nashville gracefully respond as just that: a community.

Timely enough, tomorrow is the National Day of Prayer. I know there are so many global crises taking place, ranging from the oil spil off the Gulf of Mexico, to the straggling repercussions of the earthquake in Haiti, to the continued economic hardship in our country. Now, add a Nashville flood that has stolen lives and homes unexpectedly...literally a mess.

So much of what we do here at the Clinic has been founded on and fueled by prayer; it is our most valuable player in day to day activities every year. Please join us, along with millions across the country, in this amazing and powerful opportunity to make a difference. Even just ten minutes set aside to pray in the car on the way to work or during lunch is all it takes! I think it is very fair to say our Hope can only rest in Him.

"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him." Nahum 1:7

Guest of Honor

Today is our annual Hope for the Future event at the stunning and nearby Hutton Hotel. Lily Smith has done an amazing job heading up this thing, along with our positively first-class team of staff members. As everyone around the clinic is bustling around, tweaking last minute details like the shrubs out front and the candle placement for the Open House, I feel the need to wrap my head around what's behind all the excitement. Down stairs in the conference room, there is this amazing poem I sneak down to read any time I can. I'd like to share it with you today.

"Hope is one of my favorite emotions because of its humility.
It's not like gladness or joy, which stick around just for the good stuff.
Hope is my heart's missionary. It humbly seeks fear and shame and hurt and befriends them.
Hope enters the very dustiest parts of my heart, cleans out the cobwebs,
and whispers of the promise of eternal perfection..."

-Maggie Lindley

It's really important for this "humble" emotion of Hope to grow strong in each one of us. At the Clinic, this emotion must forgo the luxury of discouragement and serve as the anchor for the thousands of men and women who walk through our heavy glass door each year. It must breathe life and refreshment in our staff and volunteers who tirelessly serve. It must spearhead the grand generosity of all who give, whether through time, prayer, or resources. Hope stays very busy. It has no choice.

And so tonight, at our big Gala, the guest of honor will in fact be Hope...I for one am looking forward to seeing it on every single face.